Ok, I had read that one a couple times, but that's funny.

No, Duck Tape comes in many colors now...

Kids taste like goat...

An older gentleman was 
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

Nancy Pelosi’s limo is heading down the road when suddenly....

a cow jumps out into the road, the limo hits it full on, 

and the car comes to a stop.
 
Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur,
"You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that
the animal is dead but it was old..
 
"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer,"

says Nancy .
 
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered,
hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
 
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened
his best bottle of Single-Malt Scotch, the wife gave me

a great meal and the daughter made fantastic love to me."
 
"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I
said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur,
and I've just killed the old cow."

Subject: Blonde Joke

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

 "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

In God We Trust

Since yawl cracking on ole WV.

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
 
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
 
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
 
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
 
"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
 
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
 
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
 
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
 
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
 
"That's West Virginia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from West Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
 
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
 
God smiled, "Right next to West Virginia is Washington DC, Virginia, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Ohio. Wait till you see the all idiots I put there." 

GOOD LAUGH!!

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about
2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding,
the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on
his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus.
He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he
was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do
a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't
have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if
he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the
trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol
car. Lee, a drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out,
watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car,
opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my butt to jail,
cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

I think I would rather not know because even though I now have Senior Citizen status I haven't told my body or brain that fact yet.  It's my little secret so shhhhhhhh...... 

Gonorrhea Lectim
 
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.
 
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim.
 
It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."
 
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.
 
Many victims contracted it in 2008 ..... but now most people after having been infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
 
It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!
 
You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
 
Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey, and now Massachusetts with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

Have you ever seen a retard wrapped in plastic??  Look at your driver's license.

So three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
 
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
 
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

hilarious Virginia!  omg.....too funny!!!!

A guy is driving around the back woods of  Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 

'Yep,' the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner                       what he wants for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you                       selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

On their 50th Anniversary, a wife found the negligee she 
wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a 
retired Marine pilot, and said: 'Honey, do you remember  this?' 

He looked up from his newspaper and said: 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same                       negligee the night we were  married' 

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember  what you said to me that night?' 

He nodded and said, 'Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, 
I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' 

She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. 
So now its fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?' 

 He looked her up and down and replied,
'Mission  Accomplished'

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or other....

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.   He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,  muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything..

She opens the window and yells to her husband,  'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

'Make up your mind.  Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'

The Perks of Being 50 & Over

• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

• No one expects you to run into a burning building.

• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

• Things you buy now won't wear out.

• You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

• You can live without sex but not without glasses.

• You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.

• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

• You sing along with elevator music.

• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

• Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.

• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Hilarious! The cat one is priceless. The mom story is really funny!!

here is my favorite:

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary......
 
8:00am - Dog Food! My Favorite thing!
9:30am - A car ride! My Favorite thing!
9:40am - A walk in the park! My Favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My Favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My Favorite thing!
1:00pm - Played in the yard! My Favorite thing!
3:00pm - Wagged my tail! My Favorite thing!
5:00pm - Milk Bones! My Favorite thing!
7:00pm - Got to play ball! My Favorite thing!
8:00pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My Favorite thing!
11:00pm - Sleeping on the bed! My Favorite thing!
 
 
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary....
 
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
 
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly
clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
 
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
 
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped it's headless body at their feet. I had 
hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I
am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what
a "good little Hunter" I am.
 
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in
solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises
and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies". I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
 
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors
by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow..
but at the top of the stairs.
 
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges.  He is regularly released - and seems to be more than
willing to return...He is obviously retarded.
 
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards
regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.....for now.
 

Well Denise - you got a chuckle or two out of me - especially that first one - what a hoot!!

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

Found this one:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "Well, the people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."